So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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