I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
