What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
