im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
