I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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