Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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