I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
