spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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