Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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