Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
