Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
