Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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