when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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