Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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