I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Drake has all the answers
Sorry about my life...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
