yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
