never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
