My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
