Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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