This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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