She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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