im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
