you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
