It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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