my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
