So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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