38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
