I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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