Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
