Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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