Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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