I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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