Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
