Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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