Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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