Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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