Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
