Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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