barbara walters just said penis...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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