tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
