I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
