What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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