There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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