Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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