I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
