your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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