I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
