someone threw a dead crab at me
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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