my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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