I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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